BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.