BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
is this how new cars are made??
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.