Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The news in a nutshell.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.