Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Great acting.. 😂
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
no one likes gloating
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”