BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Worst Native American name ever.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”