BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
when you are just born a rebel
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.