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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?