***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…