BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
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What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Self-cleaning conscience
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier