BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.


Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.


I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?


A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.


I hate being bipolar it’s awesome