BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Just got to our Airbnb!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
The prophecy is fulfilled
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
This could’ve been an email.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*