Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Me if I was a dog

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

And that about sums it up.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

ok this is my dumbest yet

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood