@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

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@behindyourback

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

@KirstenCatClub

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

@CorkyCrashed

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@JodingersCat

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@BuckyIsotope

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@GreenishDuck

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

@TheAlexP

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉