BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
You Might Also Like
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
eggs benadryl
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.