@behindyourback If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
@Home_Halfway BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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@behindyourback 
@KirstenCatClub Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
@CorkyCrashed I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@JodingersCat My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
@EndhooS Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
@BuckyIsotope All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
@Breadery There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
@GreenishDuck You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
@TheAlexP I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
@hipchkk A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉