BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
You Might Also Like
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”