@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

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@QwertyJones3

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@bradgage

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

@Kyle_Lippert

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

@hythemafia

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

@Sultani_Sails

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

@Jack_Wagon1

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

@blaha_Who

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

@DrunjAF

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.