BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Just grow your own
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders