BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.


ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism


A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless


If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.


Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”


Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.


Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.


I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.