BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
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Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.