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Just ordered me some pizza!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.