breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Great game to play with friends
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive