BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work