Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
#parenting
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.