[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
You Might Also Like
How I like cutting carbs
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Welcome to the stomach
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.