Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
$3 #books
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.