@MorganJ7 Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
@Book_Krazy *Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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@MorganJ7 
@QwertyJones3 Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
@AnniemuMary It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
@TheToddWilliams [heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
@JediGigi Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
@SufficientCharm A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
@kelkulus My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
@joejwest [pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
@Smug_Lemur “Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
@English_Channel a rare painting of a porcu’melon
