*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.