@mortimermaiden

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

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@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

@tastefactory

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

@living_marble

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

@TheWinegasm

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

@adamgreattweet

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

@BuyBritishMilk

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.