*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You Might Also Like
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
i actually laughed 😩
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.