Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.