A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?