@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

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@HeatherLuvsYou

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

@FetishBitch

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@chopper4jk

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

@IQuitWriting

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

@DVSblast

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again