[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
c’mon!
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Morning my dudes.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My teenage children choosing violence
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!