Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I think they could have phrased this better
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying