Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Go girl power!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.