Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
me linking you to my twitter
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*