Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Social_Mime

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@ceejoyner

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

@TheBoydP

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

@10InchesPlus

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

@OrangeFact

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

@dafloydsta

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

@blainecapatch

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

@Cornjerker78

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid