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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.