‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
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“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
January is lasting longer than my marriage
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas