brian had himself a morning…
You Might Also Like
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this