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“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up