Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”