Brilliant!
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Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position