Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You Might Also Like
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
an airline just for babies.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs