Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Great Canadian literature.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Safety first
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.