Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I put the hot in psychotic.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]