Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
🌱🌱🌱
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.