bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts