Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”