Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Merry Christmas
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
gm
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.