*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn