*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!