*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play