*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
(more comics:
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
are there any atheist mantises?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.