*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
#FunnyLife Insects
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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