*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“i am a sweet baby”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*