*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.