[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.